Who is Your Village?

Yesterday morning I met with a woman employed by an in-home care provider. As we became acquainted, she mentioned her Village. When we discussed seniors who receive care from her agency, my companion mentioned she inquires ‘Who is Your Village?’ This helps her know the care circle that is around a client. Oftentimes, as a person ages and begins to feel slower, perhaps not as sharp as in younger days, or aches and pains make it difficult be active any longer, the desire to withdraw from social interaction and stay home can develop and grow. This turns into isolation and loneliness, which can lead to depression. The individual may no longer want to cook meals, clean the home, perform personal hygiene or speak for long periods of time. Imagine how the brain is impacted by this. No joy in previous activities. Long periods without using speech muscles and engaging in cognitive interaction. Sleep patterns may be altered.

Have you ever answered a phone call from a deep sleep? Your voice is froggy as the secretions have built up in your throat during sleep. Your brain is foggy and you may not recognize a familiar voice on the line right away. You are groggy as you attempt to become awake and alert. It could take minutes before you are clear enough to begin any sort of conversation.

Now, imagine someone who has not spoken out loud or engaged in conversation, perhaps for days? Consider this same person, not speaking, sitting 95% of a day, the TV on 24-hours a day, droning in the background. Is there any fresh air coming into the home? What about sunlight? If that person has not bathed, eaten any fresh food, washed any dishes, or cleaned away garbage, the air could be quite stale or even stagnant. Add the decaying food left about the home, unwashed body odors and growing bacteria, and this home becomes unhealthy for habitation. A young person may be able to overcome this if fresh air is brought into the space, but an older, slower, perhaps infirm individual could become even sicker living this way. The depression could deepen as a result, not to mention the decline in mentation or cognition. The person losing cognition may become unable to care for themselves at all or could be a danger to themselves.  

We have heard of folks dying in their home and not being found for days. Where was their village? Did they have a village? Is there a neighbor, mail carrier, delivery person, anyone, knocking on the door and waiting for a response from inside? Did anyone call and actually make connection with that person? When was the last time someone laid eyes on this person?

As I read over what I have written, I begin to defend myself. What if the person doesn’t want anyone around? What if I tried but they don’t respond? Or, that person is mean and nasty and says they don’t want my company, what am I supposed to do then? Or, that person is my relative and we had a falling out years ago. I am no longer responsible to that person. The easy excuses are ‘I’m busy”, “I have to work”, “I live too far away”, etc. The bottom line is, however, that there is a person living in isolation whose very life could be at stake.

Recently, a friend of ours was away on an extended trip. Our town was in a deep freeze and he asked a neighbor to check on his heat pump. The home was 38 degrees inside. The neighbor couldn’t figure out the problem so our friend called us. We went and did what we could to help but couldn’t get the heat pump to function. So our friend called another guy. That guy was able to fix the problem. No frozen pipes. THAT is a village.

A neighbor recently lost his home to fire. As I sat with the family, watching through the night as firefighters tackled the blaze, neighbors came around to offer assistance. There were pets in carriers strewn about the lawn of a neighboring home at a safe distance away. We brought clothing, water and blankets, offered food, phone chargers, a vehicle even, to help this family while they watched and waited. The village extended to the local pet store and another family friend who hosted fundraisers for the family and their pets, so they could replace necessities of living.  

It doesn’t stop there. This is the only the beginning of getting life to any sense of normalcy for this family. They will live in someone else’s home or a hotel, will have to buy new clothing and everything else, and decide what in the world they will do to rebuild and restart their lives following the devastation. It won’t likely be a month or even a year before things feel begin to feel whole again.

Now, back to the person living in isolation. While there is hope for the family who lost their home to have a brighter future, the isolated individual will likely decline physically, cognitively, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. That person’s lifespan could be shortened, with little hope of longevity, or worse. Where is the Village?

I offer companion care as a death doula, driving a client to help them with running errands, checking in on my clients, and sitting with them, learning about their life, etc. The agency my new companion works for offers, as part of their services, transportation for folks having colonoscopies, because either there is no family member who can drive, wait, and return a person home following the procedure, or there is no one who can take time off work to do it. I know of some friends who have made a pact to check in on each other daily as they’re elderly and live alone. They have created their Village.

The question now is: “Who is my Village?” Who is your Village?