Who is Your Village?
Yesterday morning I met with a woman employed by an in-home care provider. As we became acquainted, she mentioned her Village. When we discussed seniors who receive care from her agency, my companion mentioned she inquires ‘Who is Your Village?’ This helps her know the care circle that is around a client. Oftentimes, as a person ages and begins to feel slower, perhaps not as sharp as in younger days, or aches and pains make it difficult be active any longer, the desire to withdraw from social interaction and stay home can develop and grow. This turns into isolation and loneliness, which can lead to depression. The individual may no longer want to cook meals, clean the home, perform personal hygiene or speak for long periods of time. Imagine how the brain is impacted by this. No joy in previous activities. Long periods without using speech muscles and engaging in cognitive interaction. Sleep patterns may be altered.
Have you ever answered a phone call from a deep sleep? Your voice is froggy as the secretions have built up in your throat during sleep. Your brain is foggy and you may not recognize a familiar voice on the line right away. You are groggy as you attempt to become awake and alert. It could take minutes before you are clear enough to begin any sort of conversation.
Now, imagine someone who has not spoken out loud or engaged in conversation, perhaps for days? Consider this same person, not speaking, sitting 95% of a day, the TV on 24-hours a day, droning in the background. Is there any fresh air coming into the home? What about sunlight? If that person has not bathed, eaten any fresh food, washed any dishes, or cleaned away garbage, the air could be quite stale or even stagnant. Add the decaying food left about the home, unwashed body odors and growing bacteria, and this home becomes unhealthy for habitation. A young person may be able to overcome this if fresh air is brought into the space, but an older, slower, perhaps infirm individual could become even sicker living this way. The depression could deepen as a result, not to mention the decline in mentation or cognition. The person losing cognition may become unable to care for themselves at all or could be a danger to themselves.
We have heard of folks dying in their home and not being found for days. Where was their village? Did they have a village? Is there a neighbor, mail carrier, delivery person, anyone, knocking on the door and waiting for a response from inside? Did anyone call and actually make connection with that person? When was the last time someone laid eyes on this person?
As I read over what I have written, I begin to defend myself. What if the person doesn’t want anyone around? What if I tried but they don’t respond? Or, that person is mean and nasty and says they don’t want my company, what am I supposed to do then? Or, that person is my relative and we had a falling out years ago. I am no longer responsible to that person. The easy excuses are ‘I’m busy”, “I have to work”, “I live too far away”, etc. The bottom line is, however, that there is a person living in isolation whose very life could be at stake.
Recently, a friend of ours was away on an extended trip. Our town was in a deep freeze and he asked a neighbor to check on his heat pump. The home was 38 degrees inside. The neighbor couldn’t figure out the problem so our friend called us. We went and did what we could to help but couldn’t get the heat pump to function. So our friend called another guy. That guy was able to fix the problem. No frozen pipes. THAT is a village.
A neighbor recently lost his home to fire. As I sat with the family, watching through the night as firefighters tackled the blaze, neighbors came around to offer assistance. There were pets in carriers strewn about the lawn of a neighboring home at a safe distance away. We brought clothing, water and blankets, offered food, phone chargers, a vehicle even, to help this family while they watched and waited. The village extended to the local pet store and another family friend who hosted fundraisers for the family and their pets, so they could replace necessities of living.
It doesn’t stop there. This is the only the beginning of getting life to any sense of normalcy for this family. They will live in someone else’s home or a hotel, will have to buy new clothing and everything else, and decide what in the world they will do to rebuild and restart their lives following the devastation. It won’t likely be a month or even a year before things feel begin to feel whole again.
Now, back to the person living in isolation. While there is hope for the family who lost their home to have a brighter future, the isolated individual will likely decline physically, cognitively, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. That person’s lifespan could be shortened, with little hope of longevity, or worse. Where is the Village?
I offer companion care as a death doula, driving a client to help them with running errands, checking in on my clients, and sitting with them, learning about their life, etc. The agency my new companion works for offers, as part of their services, transportation for folks having colonoscopies, because either there is no family member who can drive, wait, and return a person home following the procedure, or there is no one who can take time off work to do it. I know of some friends who have made a pact to check in on each other daily as they’re elderly and live alone. They have created their Village.
The question now is: “Who is my Village?” Who is your Village?
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What is Hospice? When Do I Need Hospice?
Many of us are very familiar with Hospice and how they care for folks and their families. Some have heard others describe what they considered Hospice bringing on the death of their loved one by the use of morphine. Many are afraid to enter Hospice as a result until there are no other options. This…
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WINTER SOLSTICE – EARTH’S PROMISE
Historically, I have not been someone who pays attention to the solstice, either winter or summer, except for the practical application of when the sun rises in the summer and sets in the winter. Admittedly, I pay little attention to topics such as these, not taking time to learn and/or understand them much less give…
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Lunch is a Good Time to Discuss Dying and Death
It’s Sunday evening. I’ve had a full day. I participated in a discussion about burial, funeral, customs and traditions across cultures, and the future of the funeral industry. What’s so cool about this discussion is that I did not start it. Naturally, I had a lot to say and I got to hear some perspectives…
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I Miss You
How many times have I said this to a friend or family member? Did I truly miss the person or was it a platitude? It can feel endearing to say this to someone I don’t keep in touch with regularly but is it truthful? I’d like to think I am being honest when I tell…
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Building Community
Since I became a death doula, I have taken on many responsibilities. My intent in beginning a podcast and this website has always been to inform. It would be easy to make this about business. It is not about business, however. It remains an intent to inform but also to educate. The business part allows…
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Why I Became an End of Life Doula
Historically, death was a natural part of living, with each member of the family–including children—all playing their part in caring for the dying. The family sat by the bedside, gathered together, paid respects to the dying person, and when the person died, the family would care for the body by washing it, covering it, transporting…
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Sometimes the Journey Stinks
Getting from Point A to Point B has its benefits. Bed to toilet in the night, to coffee pot in the morning, to favorite coffee seat. Getting from home to work and home again—gotta make the money to keep the home. Very important. My husband and I left our home Friday, bound for Yellowstone National…
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What is Your Legacy
I am traveling this week, seeing old friends and driving around Southern California, and having plenty of conversations about dying. Dying wishes, thoughts of loved ones already gone, and regrets about actions not taken and things not said. My friends and acquaintances each have their personal decisions they want to make and they expressed thoughts…
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NUGGET: LOOK FOR THE WINS
I was talking and walking with a friend the other day. I lamented about some recent weight gain. As we walked and talked, she shared with me this nugget. She explained that each day, rather than dwelling on how we got it wrong, we should instead count our wins for the day. I liked it.…
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My Mountaintop Revelation, Flags, a Candidate, and Traffic at the Cemetery
I have been on a bit of a spiritual journey recently, one that I began because of some sadness that had crept into my life. I couldn’t identify the source of my sadness but I felt little things such as tearfulness, and, if one were to look in my eyes—you may recognize the look—and ask…
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Mothering is an Action Word
I shared this idea with a group of folks last year and as we approach Mother’s Day 2023, the thought popped up again. I know women who may never bear children but are terrific mothers. Their wisdom, kindness, care and concern for others deepens their relationships and creates “the family we choose”. I didn’t always…
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Another End of Life Decision to be Made
Actor Tom Sizemore suffered a brain aneurysm on February 19, 2023, according to Charles Lago, a representative for Mr. Sizemore. He had been hospitalized and in the intensive care unit following a brain aneurysm. Lago reported that the actor had been found by ‘someone’ at 2 a.m. He was admitted to the hospital and was…
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What is Hospice?
Recently, someone I follow on social media posted a link to an article entitled, “Why Didn’t the Doctor Tell Us About Hospice Sooner?” With former president Jimmy Carter now in Hospice care, a lot of talk and opinions are being shared in the public forum. That actually is good news. The family in this article…
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I Was Not a Good Listener
I recently shared some barriers to listening. I discussed assumptive listening and rationalization, things that we bring to the table before we ever sit down to listen. This ‘baggage’ can be a barrier to listening. My eyes were opened recently. It was a Friday night and I was lying in bed, reflecting on the week…
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IT IS THANKSGIVING, ARE YOU?
Thankful, that is? When this time of year rolls around, we imagine large tables loaded down with food, drink, fancy plates and silverware, people seated around the table wearing their Sunday best, ready to feast, but first: the question is asked, “What are you thankful for this year?” That’s a lovely scenario, without a doubt,…
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Listen More, Talk Less
Have you heard or read this statement? “We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.” The quote is attributed to Zeno of Citium, a Greek thinker. It sounds rather simplistic, right? I saw this on Facebook awhile back, then I’ve read it in other places recently as well.…
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Are You Listening?
Have you ever been asked this question? Has your mind wandered when someone was sharing their thoughts or story, only to be jarred back into the present by this question? It can be a bit embarrassing to discover our mind had wandered to our to-do list, memories, who’s constantly sending text messages right now, etc.…
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A New Nugget
Take Learning From When and Where It Comes Yup! Another nugget came to me recently. Confession: I can be quite stubborn to learn concepts that are new or conflict with my beliefs or life experience. This is not always good, and I am realizing that when I can take in learning from someone I don’t…
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Nugget – Celebrate Every Smile
A podcast subscriber sent this comment in the title above to my webpage at grimtea.com as a response to Nuggets. This is one of her nuggets. It was a great reminder and I wanted to share it with you, especially as we become involved in more conservations about death and dying. Sometimes I feel like…
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THANATOLOGY – PASTORAL
Regarding Thanatology, we’ve covered several topics already, and I feel this one is a little more important as to how pastoral care is so beneficial to the dying person but also the family members of the dying person and, really, anyone who is bereaved or in grief. Someone who has expertise in pastoral thanatology really…
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It’s All About the Nuggets-Part Two
I wrote a post recently called It’s All About the Nuggets. I coined the phrase based on conversations and teaching moments I have had through the years, using these “nuggets” as a quick-trigger means to motivate myself to take action, or change a thought pattern, or refrain from an activity I no longer wanted to…
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Thanatology-Psychological
If you’ve been following this Thanatology series, you’ve been learning about Thanatology, the science of dying and death. Today we will be looking at the psychological aspects of dying and death, and how folks trained in this field can help others. In researching this subcategory, I learned about people receiving a terminal diagnosis or a…
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Life. Interrupted by Death
Hello, I am bringing you today what I have titled Life, Interrupted. As I have being recording my podcast episodes and developing my series on Thanatology, death got in the way. I kind of got knocked around a bit in the past couple of weeks but nothing like my friends who lost loved ones in…
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It’s All About the Nuggets
What nuggets of wisdom do you carry with you, to get through a tough spot, spur you on to action, or just to meditate on for inspiration? Nuggets we keep are tools for us to pull out whenever we need them, like a fond memory or mental picture of something that brings us joy. From…
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Thanatology – Physical/Biological
Previously we learned this new word Thanatology, or the science and study of death. We learned that the Greek god Thanatos was the ‘personification of death’. Now many people study thanatology as a part of their career. In my efforts to bite off small pieces of this large topic, my first installment is here: Today,…