I recently shared some barriers to listening. I discussed assumptive listening and rationalization, things that we bring to the table before we ever sit down to listen. This ‘baggage’ can be a barrier to listening. My eyes were opened recently. It was a Friday night and I was lying in bed, reflecting on the week and a party I had attended earlier in the evening. It was fun. I met a lot of nice people, but I found myself guilty. Of what? I actually was guilty of the very thing I’ve been talking to all of you about. I am an interrupter! I didn’t think about it that way before, and usually when I recognize I am interrupting, I will apologize. What I did at this party, though, was actually something I had mentioned in prior episodes and blog posts. In my efforts to find connection to the person I was listening to at that party, who was sharing a story, I jumped in midstream and mentioned I had engaged in the same activity he was describing. I was guilty of putting the focus on me and not on the guy speaking. How did I realize that was not the best thing to do in that situation? Well, the guy who was sharing his story stopped talking. Without actually physically scratching his head in confusion, his facial expression gave me a mental image that told me he had no idea why I was sharing what I was sharing and now he did not know what to say next, because I had completely derailed his story! I’m an interrupter!!! I need to fix that. Maybe in casual conversation interrupting is not as important but, if it is someone I really want to try to establish a relationship with? Probably not a great way to show interest. I will likely never see the guy from that party again. Someone who is sharing a story of importance, on the other hand, someone I care about, could actually be hurt by this interruption or, at least, frustrated.
I clearly am so deep in my interrupting habit that I did it again—the same night! A friend was at the same party. We are slowly becoming friends and building a relationship. She was sharing how her son is about to embark on his first career and is preparing his parents for the times when he will not be able to visit. He had been told his job would take up all his free time in the busy season. While she was sharing the story, I jumped in and started talking about my dad, who had been in the same field, and how he was nonexistent during the busy season. I continued to explain that when he wasn’t in the busy season, he was traveling throughout the rest of the year. I was going on and on about my dad when I realized that was not encouraging to a mom, my friend, whose son was beginning his career and was super excited about that. She didn’t need to hear me go on about how absent my dad was! Her face kind of got a blank expression, and I felt her disappointment in wanting to but not being able to share about her son because of being derailed by my own sharing. I caught it, and said something like, “Oh, but my dad loved his job, and was able to meet many great people and see cool things, and your son will love his job”. It was too late. I had already done the interruption.
I Was Self-Absorbed
Reflecting on the previous episode of my podcast, what I did is what I had called being self-absorbed. I had memories triggered, or these like-experiences with both speakers at the party that had made me want to feel affiliated or connected to them in some way, which was why I shared my stories with them. To them, however, it was some random thing that I pulled out of my head and which really had nothing to do with what they had been sharing at all, and instead turned the attention to myself. In fact, if I had really looked at it, the man I was talking to was sharing his love of skiing and talking about being on the mountain. It didn’t matter to him that I skied the same mountain because that was not the purpose of his sharing. In addition, my friend was sharing her son’s achievement and his excitement for this new career in front of him when six months prior to this he had no clue what he really wanted. I should have identified the point of the story by listening to her and what she was sharing, so that I could encourage her about her son’s first real job and let her share her pride about him. I messed up. I was being self-absorbed. I had not really considered myself self-absorbed because over the years many people have told me what a good listener I am: and I can be a good listener, when I am prepared, I guess, but far too many times in conversation, I do interject my own story into the conversation. I derail the conversation because of this interrupting habit and begin sharing my own story or memories. I don’t ask any questions or express interest. It seems more like I am competing for talking space. I believe I have good intentions. I am not saying I purposely try to interrupt but, more simply, I try to make that connection that I feel is important. The end result, however, is not a connection at all, but more like an annoyance. I imagine the guy I was talking with didn’t want connection, he just wanted to share about his ski trip with a stranger at a party.
Can I Ever Do Better?
I will tell you that I had an opportunity to see my new friend again that following Sunday and this time when she was talking I just let her talk. I participated certainly, but I did not derail. Victory for me! I also had a separate conversation with another young lady that Sunday and I wanted so badly to share my opinions and thoughts that related to what she was describing, but I held my tongue. I actually felt like a winner. Victory #2!
As we are all learning how to have conversations, learning how to be better listeners, be better connectors, and to create better, healthier relationships that permit two-sided sharing, sometimes it will be their turn and sometimes it will be my turn. I think if we know that we eventually will be able to share what’s on our heart or in our mind, we can have the confidence and security to step back and listen.
What Did I Learn?
I think the ultimate goal is not to derail what someone is sharing. We can practice a little different kind of listening going forward and, for me, I can listen without having to relate to or share in every single experience somebody else has. We have talked before that we can’t possibly relate to every experience we encounter when someone is sharing with us, so the best thing we can do is listen. Mirror, validate, reflect, or just say, “mmhmm”, or, “I hear you”. That could be enough too!
Let’s practice listening and, if you notice a barrier you create or have a victory, let me know about it.