Have you heard or read this statement? “We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.” The quote is attributed to Zeno of Citium, a Greek thinker. It sounds rather simplistic, right? I saw this on Facebook awhile back, then I’ve read it in other places recently as well. It seemed fitting as a meme then, but now, in the context of my speaking and writing about listening, it has taken on a larger meaning for me. Realistically, how often does a person look at their 10 fingers or 10 toes, their one bellybutton, and think, “well, our Creator knew what He was doing! I need these 10 fingers and toes.” I certainly don’t consider my physical self in that way. Or, why are some flowers pink with spiny leaves as opposed to grass, which is long and without flowers? This could be something to contemplate another day, but let’s move forward with our purpose for today, which is learning to listen more and talk less.
I came to see the wisdom of Zeno’s statement and as I have been working through this series on listening, I am realizing that I do need both my ears, and thank goodness I have only one mouth. I get in enough trouble with the one I have!
I don’t plan to dial into every possible style of conversation through this series but, I would like to zero in the conversations that we will likely never forget, or the conversation that could be the last with someone we care about. I want to make space for my friend, who is slowly dying from a crippling disease, to let him say whatever is on his heart or in his mind. I want his wife to say what is on her heart and in her mind. You might imagine that both have some very different perspectives to share. I don’t want to miss any of it. I don’t want to squash any anger, fears, regrets, concerns, or worries. I absolutely want to share in the little joyous moments, the breakthroughs, the uplifting moments of hope, and take in all the love. I read that we should strive to be curious and interested in what is being said in conversation, even if that isn’t our initial feeling.
I have sat with folks who were in despair, without hope, or suffered from depression. I didn’t use my two ears nearly enough. I wanted to fix unfixable situations. I probably made the conversation about me way more than about the person speaking. I pushed them to pray harder, be more patient, push through, get help. I didn’t see that their sharing their hearts with me was to get help. I didn’t see myself in that way. I still don’t often see myself being in a helper role as much as a fixer, or one to slap on a bandage to stop the hurt quickly. The reality is that I think I’m listening to a friend and don’t want to see them in pain. I don’t often ask what they want or need from the conversations. I don’t typically have expectations but I can make assumptions, and I can cause hurt by that. Historically, when someone was sharing their pain, I listened until they were done talking. Sounds like a commendable act: how generous am I with my time! Look a little deeper, and you would realize that I probably didn’t want to go deeper. I didn’t want to hear what they needed of me because I was incapable of meeting their needs. All I could do was be a cheerleader when all they wanted was a pair of ears. Actually, a lady I know is a grief counselor. In a workshop she presented to our group, she mentioned a phrase “heart with ears”. Another meme-worthy phrase, short and to the point. Let your mind visualize what a heart with ears might resemble. There would be no mouth, no arms, no eyes, no nose. The only sense you would have would be your hearing, so that all you would be able to do was to listen, and your heart would take it in. You would not be able to express a thing. To me that seems like a movie with a bad ending, one that leaves me hanging. There needs to be an end, right? Closure? We have to know what happens to the hero of the story. We have to know that the conversation will lead to some sort of resolution for our hurting friend or family member. They don’t have the answer, and I certainly don’t have the answer. Also, without anything but ears, we can’t offer any solutions. We can only listen. Sometimes that is the best bandage of all. To share space with someone in pain and simply listen.
Now, look at that heart with ears a different way. The person is sharing their heart, maybe their deepest hurts or concerns, their fears, etc. Their senses may be fully intact as they speak. This image is funny as I consider it, but hang on for a minute and you might see it, too. This speaker sees a heart with two ears. They can sense the heart beating maybe, or at least putting out warmth. The heart rate could speed up or down depending on what was said. The person could sense the ears fixed in space, not pointing down or away but completely fixed to listen. The person perceives complete, undivided attention. The person does not sense any judgment, argument, interruption, or emotion. Now, picture that heart with ears getting larger as the listening continues. Think of the Grinch’s heart growing two sizes bigger at the end of that story. The speaker may actually be able to sense the love by watching the heart grow. Then, imagine their own heart also growing larger as they are being filled with love themselves, without a word having been spoken in return. Whew! That is a lot more imagery than my brain is used to entertaining!
My point is, if we listen more than we speak when someone who is really hurting or feels they need to get something important off their chest, we may actually feel a stronger attachment to that person. We certainly won’t be concerned with our reply or distracted by trying to come up with solutions.
Do we always have to listen and not respond? Of course not. Even in the previous scenario, being a heart with ears may not be enough. The person may have questions or want feedback, or forgiveness even. We talked about active listening. Getting away from the imagery I described earlier and considering what we learned last week about eye contact, open posture, head nods, etc., after we have listened, a friend may have left you feeling an uncomfortable or negative emotion, or with more questions, or perhaps you were triggered by some of the things that were shared. You may have become overwhelmed and not know what to say or how to say what you’re feeling. You may feel if you open your mouth only cries will come out. There are times when a difficult conversation is hard to avoid, even if it makes us feel nervous, stressed and wanting to run in the other direction. But, avoidance usually doesn’t help. If you approach conversation in the right way, it may even improve the relationship.
A Touch Can Say a Lot
A hand on a shoulder, or a hand on a hand, a warm hug, or even that soulful eye contact that shows the depth of your caring, could say so much.
Don’t Say You Understand When You Really Don’t
A feeling is neither right nor wrong. It just is. To be told, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” is rarely helpful advice for anyone. “I know how you feel” may be the second-least-helpful statement. It sometimes can hurt to claim we understand feelings we haven’t experienced ourselves. So what can we say? How about “That must be hard”, “Help me understand”. Remember the doctor who said he learned not to grab tissues when the speaker was crying? He said it interrupted the flow of emotions. I have experienced that myself for sure. Or, when I have been the speaker and someone was to interject a loud “uh huh” right in the middle of a thought, it would cause me to pause and sometimes lose track of what I was saying. I would describe that as squashing the thought. It was not done with bad intent, I understand that, but I felt I was unable to feel that I was being heard and was left wanting more from my listener.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
When it is your turn to speak, wait around 8-10 seconds after someone stops speaking. Chances are that the person will keep talking and maybe even reveal something they’ve been hesitant to say. Rather than asking ‘How are you?’ which we know leads to the “I’m fine” response, when the speaker is likely far from ‘fine’, try ‘Tell me more’, or ‘Can you describe the feeling when that happened?’ Try not to finish the speaker’s sentences. Avoid giving advice unless you’re asked for it. You could repeat back the last word or two of what was said, or say, “Can you share more about that,” or if you want clarity you could ask, “What do you mean?” If you sense the speaker is having difficulty finishing their story or completing their thought or, in the case of a dying person, the exhaustion has taken over and they cannot continue at that time, you could ask if they would like to take a break and offer to resume at a later time.
What About My Emotions?
Closed-ended questions have their place, but when having the important conversations, my goal is to keep the emotions flowing, especially when they are heavy emotions. I describe it for myself as having that heavy emotion wash over me. I don’t push it away, I don’t stomp on it or try to hide it away, and I don’t ignore it, as that usually ends up in a ball at the pit of my stomach after a time, or increased stress that will manifest itself some time later, and probably way bigger than it was originally. I prefer now to let the emotion wash over me or go through me, so I can feel the feeling as it rises within me, peaks, then begins to release its grip on me, to the point that I have gotten past it. You know the old saying about sweeping things under the rug, meaning that bad situations or feelings or experiences are pushed aside or away, but not dealt with. Eventually, if enough of these are shoved under a rug, you’ll have a mountain of old events, emotions, experiences that are now too big to climb over. If we think of them washing over us, like a wave in the ocean, it comes on us, rises sometimes over our heads, but then washes past and we return to calm waters. I am not intending to minimize these experiences either, because I know full well that sometimes the feeling or memory is so painful it’s like I have been bowled over by an ocean wave, tossed about and knocked around. That’s why I ‘ate my feelings’ for so many years. I didn’t want the pain. I couldn’t face it. Funny thing about that: the more I let the pain wash over and pass, the smaller that particular wave became. I no longer became fearful of it rising over me because eventually the wave barely covered the tops of my feet.
So, if you are the listener in that moment, when someone is riding their wave or waves of pain or emotion, and you become triggered or so uncomfortable that you don’t think you can continue listening, what do you do? You could say something like: “This conversation is more than I’m ready for right now. Would it be alright to talk about this another time?” Maybe you might need to excuse yourself for a moment, to let your emotions settle out a bit, and resume when you regain your composure.
Crying in response to strong emotions that come up when talking about end of life may feel awkward but it’s also natural to cry during an emotional encounter. Crying expresses how much the person means to you and how you genuinely feel. To pretend that everything is okay in order to protect your loved one may actually come across as insincere. Perhaps in reality, the best thing to do is to be in the moment with the person. Crying together can be a loving experience. Once the wave passes, take care to shift back to your friend or loved one’s feelings so you can continue to show them that you are there to support them as they go through painful moment, give them an opportunity to end the conversation, or make a date for a future conversation.
Not all situations end well, with no more tears or conflicts resolved. When someone we love is dying, we may feel compelled to have all things needing to be said each time we are with them, in case we miss our chance to get it all out there or hear all they want us to hear. The best advice I would offer is not to wait until it’s too late. Talk to those you love, and keep talking, while you’re able to do so. We will cover difficult relationships in the future, but for now, let’s keep moving on through how to be a good listener, even if it’s tough.